Day 4: God is my strength.

There is a battle happening inside my body.

About 9 days ago, I had my first cycle of treatment. As my body fights against the effects of a medicine that is supposed to make it both well and weak, I was advised to be extra vigilant and careful against germs and bacteria that once would not have even caused a ripple of concern in my immune system. But in my weakened state, even the most usual and the least harmful one of these viruses could be lethal to me.

While it is scary to think that a simple cold virus could aggressively progress to pneumonia or that a small trace of bacteria developing in slowly cooling food can develop into infectious diarrhea, the fear I feel for my body’s well-being is nothing compared to my fear of another battle happening inside me. Nothing fears me the most than the battle for my soul.

Since my diagnosis about 2 months ago, I have had to face the possibility of death and this awakened my inner consciousness to the spiritual warfare happening within me. It is a different kind of awakening. It is not the kind of half sleep consciousness which most people are plagued with. They who are aware of the bigger battle of good versus evil but are lethargic in their actions, apathetic to the war. No, it is more of an intensely blunt awakening to the point where I sometimes despair of my past – what I had done, what I didn’t do – , my present and future – whether I would have the strength to choose good today and to continue choosing good in the days ahead. Every day that has gone since, I have somewhat clearly perceived the battle of good and evil within me. And though I feel luckier than most to have this kind of perception, I am not above from choosing wrong.

One of the most effective deceptions the deceiver has ever afflicted the human race with is the misguided notion that we need more than the wisdom and knowledge of God. Admittedly, I have fallen prey to this duplicity quite a few times and, in hindsight, as I re-evaluate the excuses I had given myself for these transgressions, my excuses were often based on plain human logic. And I realize that the line dividing good from evil often blurs once we apply worldly logic and reasoning. Sometimes to be able to choose good, we need to strip all the layers away until we get to the one reason that holds true – the faith in God. Faith in His existence, faith in His love for us, and so on.

And it is in the most difficult times that I draw on God for the strength to keep on with the battle. Yes, I draw from God Himself the strength so I may continue to believe in Him and in His word. I draw strength from Him so that I may remain His faithful servant.

But the war is far from over. And when God has healed me in His own perfect timing, I sincerely pray that I do not ever lose sight of this invisible yet very real battle. May I never, ever again, in my own arrogance, think that I can make the right choices on my own. And may God continue to give me the strength to always choose Him.

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